Jackie Mason "Why Don't They Make Them Like They Used To?"

I just came back from Europe and saw all these wonderful, classic examples of architecture over 1000 years old. Yet, in this country, buildings become stale after 5 years. What is wrong with our culture today? Why were we geniuses 1000 years ago, when it came to buildings, and complete morons today?

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Kill Jews, get your own country.

By Jackie Mason

How does the value of an Israeli life become so cheap, that we accept the idea that we have to sacrifice hundreds of lives on a yearly basis in order to exist in the state of Israel?Not many years ago, when one Israeli life was innocently lost, Israelis were shocked and there was a sudden hush in the atmosphere and wonderment in our voices. Why is it that now we think of it as an unavoidable sacrifice, as if there are certain questions for which there are just no answers? Why was the loss of an Israeli life so inconceivable before and so acceptable now?Since the Arabs could not tolerate the presence of Jews in their neighborhood they tried to destroy us whenever they could put an army together. Every time they lost a war they couldn't understand it, and they couldn't believe that they wouldn't win the next war.Like the Americans in Vietnam and the Russians in Afghanistan, the Arabs possessed such a huge advantage of resources, population and power that they couldn't accept the experience of defeat by the tiny state of Israel. As we were winning more and more victories we were paying a bigger price and getting more and more tired of victories in the battlefield at the cost of losing so many of our young Israeli lives. We became so weary and fearful of the next possible war, that we blinded ourselves into believing all the fraudulent gestures of the Arabs about making peace.We never realized the extent of our self-delusion until Prime Minister Barak offered the Arabs 98% of what they demanded and we were answered with an avalanche of suicide bombers taking more Israeli lives than ever before.Since then, we have become involved in futile efforts to solve the problem by retaliating more decisively than ever before, which has served as a great release from our frustrations, but it has always left us helpless again from the next attack from more and more suicide bombers. Somehow we have become helpless in the face of death as if there were no possible solution to this problem.For the first time in fifty years we have again become a lost, confused, helpless and paralyzed people. Somehow we have resigned ourselves to suffer the constant killing of our people, like another but slower Holocaust. We have paralyzed ourselves by our sickening irrational fear of "World Opinion," which is why we find it impossible to face one simple fact. We will never win this war unless we immediately threaten to drive every Arab out of Israel if the killing doesn't stop.It is no accident that the Arabs are not concerned with public opinion while killing our people, but we are terrified of public opinion before we dismiss them from our country. Somehow, we have become intimidated into believing that we are obligated to give them a place to live, and we have no right to throw them out just because they are killing our people.It is about time we realize that public opinion is nothing but publicly expressed anti-Semitism and appeasing public opinion makes as much sense as Chamberlain's appeasement of Adolf Hitler. Jews dying in Israel disturbs them as much as watching your neighbor killing a cockroach, even if it doesn't fill you with pleasure you certainly don't feel remorse about it. That is why when suicide bombers kill hundreds of Jews not a word of protest is ever heard, but when we try to defend ourselves by retaliating against our killers the U.N. immediately is called in an emergency session to protect our assassins.We are brain-dead if we accept the idea that we have to guess which Arab is our next killer. We are not obligated to victimize ourselves by letting the Arabs play Russian roulette with Jewish lives. Israelis are constantly asked the same obnoxious question " How can you throw the Arabs out, where would they go?" The answer is if they don't care whom they kill, why are we obligated to care where they go?If a gang of killers lived across the street, would you allow them to keep throwing bombs through your window until you can find them another apartment? Are we morally obligated to become a real estate agent for every Arab suicide bomber? We are not obligated to accept a new, slower Holocaust as the inevitable fate of our people. Jordan did not take a poll of world opinion and neither did Kuwait before they routed the Palestinians out of their countries.America did not wait for public opinion to take whatever action was necessary to protect their country, and there is no reason why we should be afraid to do what is necessary to protect the state of Israel.

Beatification Befits Saint Hillary

By Jackie Mason

Now that there is a new Pope, bringing with him the possibilities of naming new saints, there appears to be a movement of biblical proportions afoot for the beatification of Hillary Clinton. Gone are the memories of disappearing files, ducking Grand Juries, and just being beyond the reach of prosecutors. "They couldn't lay a finger on her" — a phrase whose only province used to be in grade-B Warner Brothers gangster movies — became her motto when she occupied the Clinton White House. Gone and forgotten is probably the only real miracle she performed, which was changing $1,000 into $100,000 in ten months ($6,300 of which was earned overnight). Even the Mafia could not get a better return on its money. However, in what must be one of the most interesting miracles since the fishes and loaves, she has transmuted herself into a figure of faith, principle, and piety. Like Saul on the road to Tarsus, who had seen the light of his Lord, she has transformed herself. Anna Quindlen, writing in Newsweek magazine, where her full page column occupies the prime-space last page of the magazine, pontificates:
...we [Hillary and she] talked about faith, about how both of us believed our religion had led us toward a heightened interest in various social-reform issues.That's the real Hillary Rodham Clinton. A lifelong Methodist...
If that was the real Hillary Clinton, then she did a pretty good job of hiding it the last ten years. Also, many Methodists will be surprised to learn that the practice of their faith is not incompatible with anti-Semitism. Remember Dick Morris revealing that when he was close to the Clintons and there was a disagreement concerning money owed him, Hillary, in anger, addressing his demand for payment, referred to him as "You people." In the revealing shorthand of an angry person, she was not exposing her inner thoughts and prejudices about Swiss bankers. Also, who can forget the wet one she planted on Mrs. Arafat — who turned out to be so low that even the Palestinians wanted to get rid of her.

Ms. Quindlen goes on to write, "Her [Hillary's] concern that the culture is deadening our kids to sex..." Excuse us, but we thought that it was the Clintons who brought sex into our living rooms via television and made every kid who turned on the six o'clock news an expert in oral sex.Ms. Quindlen also quoted a speech by the real Hillary Clinton where she spoke of a spiritual vacuum in the country. If they gave out Nobel Prizes for creation of spiritual vacuums in countries, the Clintons would surely be contenders.Ms. Quindlen ends her article by noting and quoting Mrs. Clinton , "...she [Hillary Clinton] spoke of changing the national ethos to the golden rule, so Americans 'truly begin to...treat them [each other] as they wish to be seen.'" Actually the Golden Rule is to treat each other as you would want to be treated. Well, that the Clintons did in fact do — particularly Mr. Clinton, and particularly if the other person was female. With his phone sex, he was able to actually treat himself as he would have others treat him. Mrs. Clinton has made up with Newt Gingrich, her husband got himself a world trip with former President Bush on Air Force One, and she has now taken a pro-life position. But until she can do the water to wine trick, we will take a pass on seriously considering her and her baggage as Presidential material.

The art of effective communication by words is dying the death of a dog

By Jackie Mason & Raoul Felder

Because we both make a living by words we are very sensitive about them and more importantly, in our respective occupations, with better or worse results, we utilize them as a mechanism to communicate our thoughts. Sadly, from what we observe, the art of effective communication by words is dying the death of a dog.
People throw words around like indescribably: indescribably delicious, indescribably beautiful, etc. If something is indescribable, how does putting the word indescribable before the thing it is supposed to describe in fact describe or even help in describing that thing?
Before we receive e e-mails (excessive e-mails) we know that indescribably is an adverb. However, putting a respectable name on word that does not make sense, makes no sense, no more than putting on a Chanel dress on a streetwalker changes her profession.
Similarly, people also toss around the word fabulous. How was the girl? She was a fabulous girl. The chopped liver? It was fabulous. How can you use the same word to describe a girl and chopped liver — unless it's some of the girls we know?
Then we get words that really mean the exact opposite of what they say. When a girl says the boy she went out with is hot, she really means he is cool. When another girl is asked to describe the guy who just picked her up, the girl might say, "He is really Bad." Usually this is pronounced BAAAD, and of course she means he is real good.
How about, "The rain kept up for an hour"? If it kept up, it never would have come down. When somebody says "kept up," they mean down, unless, of course, they live in Australia, which is down from us, on the other side of the world, so when we are up, they are down. When it rains on them, in that case, we would be correct if we say the "the rain kept up," because their up is our down. However, if you stand on your head in New York, then in that situation up would then still be down. We trust that we clarified this matter.
The last place we expect to hear strings of words that are self-contradictory or that don't make sense is from the United States Supreme Court. But what did we just hear from it? It says it's legal to have the Ten Commandments outside the courthouse, but illegal to have them inside the courthouse. The unworthy thought occurs to us that to get inside the courthouse you have to walk there from outside, so the same person is walking from a legal environment into an illegal environment, and doing nothing more than putting one foot in front of the other. To make things more clear, the Court also said you have to consider each case on its own merits and its own facts, so theoretically, in certain cases, you could have the Ten Commandments outside the courthouse and it would be illegal, and yet inside the courthouse would be legal. Actually in terms of its own building where the Ten Commandments is inside the courthouse, the Supreme Court said that was legal. But if it were illegal outside, and legal inside the courthouse, people would have to walk on the outside where it is illegal to get to the inside where it is legal. And we didn't even discuss the cases where it is illegal both inside and outside, which seems to us to be a great way to get out of jury duty, or showing up to pay a traffic ticket.
In all this talk of language, we are not even mentioning expressions like "Keep your shirt on," when nobody in the house ever thought of taking it off. Or "Keep your eyes peeled," which we find too painful to contemplate.We like simple stuff — spit on the subway and you're fined $50.00. That we understand!

Islam is a religion of WHAT?

Standing on Atlantic Avenue in Brooklyn, on the afternoon of September 11, 2001, looking west to Manhattan, the fires had turned the horizon a bright orange that rose to great heights painted against a perfect pitiless blue sky.
Observing this terrible beauty, the residents of the neighborhood danced in the streets, laughing, shouting to each other, shaking hands. These people were not what one would suppose to be fanatical or militant Muslims. They were people who had come to these shores from the Middle East, mostly shop keepers, bakers, purveyors of eastern spices, tradesmen, cab drivers and the usual diversity of people found in a New York ethnic neighborhood on a warm fall weekday. They were American citizens however, who were expressing their judgment — joy at the events of that horrible day that forever changed our world and America's place in that world. They were also the followers of Islam: religion of oppression, discrimination, violence, terror, war, superstition, intolerance and prejudice. They were the followers of a religion of hate who, at the very least, if not active participants in the events of that world-changing day, took unashamed pleasure in the violence visited upon those — including their fellow citizens and neighbors — who did not share their beliefs.
The President has said about Islam: ...Islam inspires countless individuals to lead lives of honesty, integrity and morality (12/5/02). A...It's [Islam] a faith based on love, not hate. (9/10/02) "The Islam that we know...teaches the value and the importance of charity, mercy and peace. (11/15/01).
Well, he is the President, and like Tony Blair, probably has to say these sorts of politically-correct things in the belief that they are necessary to be said, because to declare the truth would create a threat to the maintenance of order or, it might provoke an outraged citizenry to retaliate in a vengeful and illegal way, jeopardizing domestic tranquility. We have no such impediment and trust that the truth can only serve to enlighten and not to incite.
Islam exists as it is taught in the Koran and lived by Muhammad. Muhammad, by the way, was hardly an example that one would wish to emulate. He had affairs with maids and slave girls and was also a pedophile (and before we get outraged e-mails on the latter point, here is chapter and verse: the girl's name was Aisha, she was 9 he was 53. He was also involved in the slave trade, assassinations and genocide. But, what the heck, nobody is perfect.)
Let's, as the sportscasters say, go to the record, which, in this case is the Koran.
Kill the disbelievers wherever we find them. (2:191)

Fight and slay the pagans (translation: that's us) seize them, beleaguer them, and lie in wait for them in every stratagem. (9:5)

Slay or crucify or cut the hands and feet of the unbelievers...(5:34)

...strike off the heads of the disbelievers...[make a] wide slaughter among them, carefully tie up the remaining captives [for ransom] (947:4)

[treatment of disbelievers]...garments of fire shall be cut and there shall be poured over their heads boiling water whereby whatever is in their bowels and skin shall be dissolved and they will be punished with hooked iron rods (22:19).

The Koran also instructs Muslims to slay or crucify or cut the hands and the feet of the unbelievers (5:34), fight unbelievers until no other religion except Islam remains. (3:85)
Given these basic teachings of Islam there is little reason to be surprised at the beheading of Americans Nick Berg and Paul Johnson.

Of course, not all Muslims participate in violence or even express joy at the perpetration of violence against the West in general, or Americans in particular, just as all Germans in the forties did not believe when they heard their anthem, Deutschland uber alles, that it meant literally that Germany must conquer all other nations. Some Germans embraced a passive longing for Germany to be victorious; some few actually despised fascism, and some, an almost non-existent few acted against it. So it is with Islam and the Muslims. About the best the civilized world can expect is a joyous but passive reaction to the mindless violence.
Empires have come and gone. Rome, Portugal, France, Holland, Germany and even in our time, Great Britain, have seen their moment of world dominance - have seen it flicker, and then, extinguish. And yet, they accepted it as part of the panorama of history, and have moved on. Not so with Islam.
It is not by accident that our enemies call the coalition forces in Iraq the Crusaders. To Islam the war, which they lost centuries ago, continues.
[It is of interest to note that the United States went to war with Muslim powers in 1801. Barbary pirates kidnapped and made slaves of our citizens, demanding tribute for their release. John Adams and Thomas Jefferson asked of the envoy of Tripoli by what right did he make his claim for payment. As reported to Congress by Jefferson, "The Ambassador answered us that it was founded on the Laws of their Prophet, that it was written in their Koran, that all nations who should not have acknowledged their authority were sinners, that it was their right and duty to make war upon them wherever they could be found and to make slaves of all they could take as Prisoners." ]
The enemy is not really the United States, nor even Israel. The enemy is modernity itself and the forces of change that have made them irrelevant. The West has persevered and they have lost. They are the have-nots, and to the degree that they have the economic power of oil, even this has been denied to them as a society by the corruption of their own despotic rulers. They are the past in a present and future that belongs to the West. There is a chord that joins them with other losers like Lee Harvey Oswald and Lee Boyd Malvo, devoid of any distinction or ability to even control their own lives, who strike out in spasms of hate-filled rage.
Muslims, married to a failed past, offer little hope for integration into modern society. Israel giving them land to which they are not entitled, or the United States not punishing them for criminal acts will not assuage their rage. America must learn it cannot negotiate or reason with people who consider us infidels. It must recognize that the enemy is often among us and all the exposure available to them in Western civilization with its tolerances and respect for individual rights will not affect their seething anger at imagined wrongs, injustices, and illogical sense of entitlement.
Historically, use of strength, swift and certain punishment, and resolve of purpose are all that is left us to effectively deal with their primitive madness. And until we recognize this, there will be many more beheadings and September elevenths.