Jackie Mason "Hate Schmate...A Crime Is A Crime!"

Only a schmuck would think that crimes committed with hate should be prosecuted different than crimes void of hate. A crime is a crime you schmuck!

Well... you might not be a schmuck, look here...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXHQq6ukwgI

If you don't agree with me than you might be a schmuck. If you do agree with me, I'm sorry I called you a schmuck, but you could still be one.

Jackie Mason "Why Don't They Make Them Like They Used To?"

I just came back from Europe and saw all these wonderful, classic examples of architecture over 1000 years old. Yet, in this country, buildings become stale after 5 years. What is wrong with our culture today? Why were we geniuses 1000 years ago, when it came to buildings, and complete morons today?

Click here to watch

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBOt-sgSiDU

Jackie Mason “Poles Are Always Right… Unless They’re Wrong"

I love how political pundits and prognosticators change their mind every time a new poll comes out. Is this predicting or just poll reading? If these people are experts, shouldn't they be predicting the polls instead?

Here’s my take…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tKRAIfrXdw

On Set With Jackie Mason

This film was made during my TV show a year ago. I think it's well done. Let me know what you think.

Enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8lZBJzVtfs8

Legendary comedian Jackie Mason is not only a riot on screen and stage, but behind the scenes, as well.

Jackie Mason "Pieces Of My Mind On Bloomberg"

My different thoughts on Mayor Michael Bloomberg and why he's a big fake and fraud. He now says that he is an independent, independent of principles!

Here are my thoughts. Look...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCHOBLD68fk

Breaking News: Jackie Mason Attempts The Hula Hoop

Comedian Jackie Mason is caught on video attempting to use a hula hoop. This definitly proves you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

For the record, I had nothing to do with posting this. But I can't figure out how to take it off. Oh well.

If you have to see me make a fool out of myself, click here...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUbVUXNftBE

Jackie Mason "Oy! The Justice System Stinks!"

Lately, the American Justice System has been going strait down the toilet. From Duke to the "$54 million dollar pants" case, Justice has become an idiotic contest of insanity.

take a look

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTGu4QoNT4U

Jackie Mason "Hilton & Lohan: Oh The Insanity"

Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan are just two drunk little girls. Why is this the most important news item.

Take a look

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eabALGiDwI

Immigration: My Simple Solution

By Jackie Mason

I have a simple solution to the immigration debate. But first, why do we talk about the immigration problem? We have an immigration problem when people fight to get out of a country, not to get into a country. What we have here is something between “a condition” like when your mother-in-law has bursitis, and a “situation” like when a low-life neighbor keeps parking in your driveway.

Here is our three-part solution:

1. Registration: The most powerful weapon police have is “intelligence” in the military sense. When a cop stops you for a traffic violation, in two minutes he can find out if you are wanted for anything from spiting on the sidewalk to murder. Similarly, if a crime has been committed in a neighborhood, the police can immediately do a computer search and obtain records of other similar crimes in the neighborhood helping them to identify suspects.
What we need to do is much the same: develop a central complete registry of all aliens in America – legal and illegal. As to what we do with the illegals who step up to the plate and register, see #3. Those that don’t register will eventually either be questioned for something else, perhaps trying to get a job or otherwise interface with the institutions of our country. Prospective employers or other agencies should be required to report unregistered aliens immediately. If an employer does not do so, he should be charged with a crime. An immigrant not having the proper card should be immediately deported and never be permitted to reenter the country. Eventually all of the illegals will either be sent to jail or, over the course of time, die.
2. Fences: The idea we cannot build a suitable fence or have secure borders is ridiculous. We have had secure borders in Germany, North and South Korea, Viet Nam, etc. Dictators throughout history have been able to build fences to keep the people in or out. The Great Wall of China was 1,500 miles long, built in the 3d cent. B.C., and is still around.
In this regard, we have an additional simple solution. Just give anybody who will live on the border two free acres of land. Thousands of people will happily live there and keep an eye on things, pick up the phone if they see anybody coming from Mexico, and offer them coffee and cake until the border patrol arrives. Of course, the Miami Beach condominium market may decline, but it’s a fair tradeoff.

3. Draft Boards: For those immigrants who register but are not here legally, we should establish local community boards, similar to the local drafts boards we had in World War II. These would be comprised of small groups of dedicated citizens who would devote their time to hear cases involving the illegal aliens who have registered, on a case by case basis. In that way, local community standards, which vary from place to place in the country, would be applied. Only after this process is completed would the aliens be permitted to test adverse decisions through the judicial system.
What we don’t want to be is a country that denies health care to a child or adult, denies education or any other benefits that, on a human level, a functioning humane democracy should provide. Without immigrants, we would have no atomic age, no computers, no lasers, no microchips (Einstein, Teller, Fermi, etc.). Also, without Dr. Salk, we would now be in the midst of a polio epidemic.
Too often the people who want to crack down on immigrants are like members of a country club who, once admitted, don’t want to let in anybody else. It should be suggested to them that without immigrants we would not even have an America.

Jackie Mason on "The iPhone"

With all its many uses, that no one will ever use, could this be the greatest success of all time? No one will ever figure this thing out, but everyone must have it.
Here's what I say...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=prwcw0n3iS4

Congratulations Paris: You Got Away With It!

Jail is a joyous place and Celebrity Justice is such a joke. It’s good that Paris was released early.

take a look

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUT3Xp302tc

Kill Jews, get your own country.

By Jackie Mason

How does the value of an Israeli life become so cheap, that we accept the idea that we have to sacrifice hundreds of lives on a yearly basis in order to exist in the state of Israel?Not many years ago, when one Israeli life was innocently lost, Israelis were shocked and there was a sudden hush in the atmosphere and wonderment in our voices. Why is it that now we think of it as an unavoidable sacrifice, as if there are certain questions for which there are just no answers? Why was the loss of an Israeli life so inconceivable before and so acceptable now?Since the Arabs could not tolerate the presence of Jews in their neighborhood they tried to destroy us whenever they could put an army together. Every time they lost a war they couldn't understand it, and they couldn't believe that they wouldn't win the next war.Like the Americans in Vietnam and the Russians in Afghanistan, the Arabs possessed such a huge advantage of resources, population and power that they couldn't accept the experience of defeat by the tiny state of Israel. As we were winning more and more victories we were paying a bigger price and getting more and more tired of victories in the battlefield at the cost of losing so many of our young Israeli lives. We became so weary and fearful of the next possible war, that we blinded ourselves into believing all the fraudulent gestures of the Arabs about making peace.We never realized the extent of our self-delusion until Prime Minister Barak offered the Arabs 98% of what they demanded and we were answered with an avalanche of suicide bombers taking more Israeli lives than ever before.Since then, we have become involved in futile efforts to solve the problem by retaliating more decisively than ever before, which has served as a great release from our frustrations, but it has always left us helpless again from the next attack from more and more suicide bombers. Somehow we have become helpless in the face of death as if there were no possible solution to this problem.For the first time in fifty years we have again become a lost, confused, helpless and paralyzed people. Somehow we have resigned ourselves to suffer the constant killing of our people, like another but slower Holocaust. We have paralyzed ourselves by our sickening irrational fear of "World Opinion," which is why we find it impossible to face one simple fact. We will never win this war unless we immediately threaten to drive every Arab out of Israel if the killing doesn't stop.It is no accident that the Arabs are not concerned with public opinion while killing our people, but we are terrified of public opinion before we dismiss them from our country. Somehow, we have become intimidated into believing that we are obligated to give them a place to live, and we have no right to throw them out just because they are killing our people.It is about time we realize that public opinion is nothing but publicly expressed anti-Semitism and appeasing public opinion makes as much sense as Chamberlain's appeasement of Adolf Hitler. Jews dying in Israel disturbs them as much as watching your neighbor killing a cockroach, even if it doesn't fill you with pleasure you certainly don't feel remorse about it. That is why when suicide bombers kill hundreds of Jews not a word of protest is ever heard, but when we try to defend ourselves by retaliating against our killers the U.N. immediately is called in an emergency session to protect our assassins.We are brain-dead if we accept the idea that we have to guess which Arab is our next killer. We are not obligated to victimize ourselves by letting the Arabs play Russian roulette with Jewish lives. Israelis are constantly asked the same obnoxious question " How can you throw the Arabs out, where would they go?" The answer is if they don't care whom they kill, why are we obligated to care where they go?If a gang of killers lived across the street, would you allow them to keep throwing bombs through your window until you can find them another apartment? Are we morally obligated to become a real estate agent for every Arab suicide bomber? We are not obligated to accept a new, slower Holocaust as the inevitable fate of our people. Jordan did not take a poll of world opinion and neither did Kuwait before they routed the Palestinians out of their countries.America did not wait for public opinion to take whatever action was necessary to protect their country, and there is no reason why we should be afraid to do what is necessary to protect the state of Israel.

Jackie Mason "The Many Voices Of Hillary Clinton"

Besides changing her position more than a hooker in a whorehouse, Hillary also changes her voice too

Take a look

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAyKq4Oy3nU

Democrats: Soiled Diapers And A Spoiled Majority

Like a baby's dirty diaper, hypocrisy and duplicity soils the Democratic majority in Congress, and like the diaper, the closer you get to it, the worse it smells.
In the vote on the non-binding resolution to oppose President Bush's request for a troop surge in Iraq, the overwhelming majority of the Democrats — both in the House and the Senate — voted time after time to fund the war in Iraq. Imagine if you opened a restaurant and had the group of financial backers who enabled you to open the restaurant blame you for opening the business in the first place! Or imagine if someone bought the gas for your car and then they blamed you for trying to drive someplace in the car! The Democrats were Bush's partners in this war from the very beginning, and yet now blame him for the results of the war. Why doesn't Bush blame them for funding the war?
So now, they had their chance to put the final nail in the war’s coffin, and what did they do? They loaded the bill with pork and set an expiration date on the war. Knowing full well that the bill would be “Dead on Arrival” on the Presidents desk. The extra pork alone is proof positive, of their duplicitous nature. Secure their success in the next election, while pretending to be for the troops.
As for the Pull-out date, even they knew this would be outright treasonous, giving our enemies a strategic advantage of holding out until “such and such” date. Then, Harry Reed’s prophecy of us losing the war would be self fulfilled.
So after the House passed the last funding bill with no Pull-out date, why then did they draft the bill in the first place? Why do they howl all day about how we need to end the war, and bring our troops home?
The Democrats have no conscience or moral purpose whatsoever. They are worse than mere hypocrites. They are accessories to the murder of American troops. By not approving of a mission that they have funded all along, they are revealed for what they really are — a group of cowards whose actions are demoralizing the troops and encouraging our enemies to kill more American soldiers. The fact that they are harming our troops' morale by playing into the hands of the enemy means nothing to these Democrats. The Democrats simply don't have the guts to vote to cut off the funding for the war, so they came up with this absurd resolution simply to humiliate George Bush.
It is as if someone wants to kill himself and a fellow on the other side of town pays for the gun and the bullets — and they he says it's someone else's fault the guy committed suicide.
The Democrats are more concerned with their political futures than anything else. They are emboldening the enemy by saying this is a worthless war. In effect, their actions will only result in the loss of more of our troops.
Let's consider the Congressional hearings confirming General David Petraeus as the top American ground commander in Iraq, and Petraeus argued vehemently for the troop surge, and the Democrats all voted for him and wished him the best of luck and success in his mission. Two weeks later say the mission is a total failure and a mistake, with no planning or ultimate objectives. Imagine if you had a fighter and you know that Mike Tyson will knock him out in the first round, but you go out and hire the best trainer, and wish him "Best of Luck" and tell him where to send the body.
What success do they wish Petraeus? If they think the mission is stupid, why do they need a brilliant man? Why do they want to watch something flop successfully? Why do they need a great general at all — why do they need the best man, if he will serve no purpose? Why should a man get paid for nothing? If the Democrats approve sending him on a worthless mission, then they are complicit in planning the murder of innocent people. If they had the courage of their convictions, they would have cancelled the mission. Why approve Petraeus in the first place?
Well, I think we know why.

Beatification Befits Saint Hillary

By Jackie Mason

Now that there is a new Pope, bringing with him the possibilities of naming new saints, there appears to be a movement of biblical proportions afoot for the beatification of Hillary Clinton. Gone are the memories of disappearing files, ducking Grand Juries, and just being beyond the reach of prosecutors. "They couldn't lay a finger on her" — a phrase whose only province used to be in grade-B Warner Brothers gangster movies — became her motto when she occupied the Clinton White House. Gone and forgotten is probably the only real miracle she performed, which was changing $1,000 into $100,000 in ten months ($6,300 of which was earned overnight). Even the Mafia could not get a better return on its money. However, in what must be one of the most interesting miracles since the fishes and loaves, she has transmuted herself into a figure of faith, principle, and piety. Like Saul on the road to Tarsus, who had seen the light of his Lord, she has transformed herself. Anna Quindlen, writing in Newsweek magazine, where her full page column occupies the prime-space last page of the magazine, pontificates:
...we [Hillary and she] talked about faith, about how both of us believed our religion had led us toward a heightened interest in various social-reform issues.That's the real Hillary Rodham Clinton. A lifelong Methodist...
If that was the real Hillary Clinton, then she did a pretty good job of hiding it the last ten years. Also, many Methodists will be surprised to learn that the practice of their faith is not incompatible with anti-Semitism. Remember Dick Morris revealing that when he was close to the Clintons and there was a disagreement concerning money owed him, Hillary, in anger, addressing his demand for payment, referred to him as "You people." In the revealing shorthand of an angry person, she was not exposing her inner thoughts and prejudices about Swiss bankers. Also, who can forget the wet one she planted on Mrs. Arafat — who turned out to be so low that even the Palestinians wanted to get rid of her.

Ms. Quindlen goes on to write, "Her [Hillary's] concern that the culture is deadening our kids to sex..." Excuse us, but we thought that it was the Clintons who brought sex into our living rooms via television and made every kid who turned on the six o'clock news an expert in oral sex.Ms. Quindlen also quoted a speech by the real Hillary Clinton where she spoke of a spiritual vacuum in the country. If they gave out Nobel Prizes for creation of spiritual vacuums in countries, the Clintons would surely be contenders.Ms. Quindlen ends her article by noting and quoting Mrs. Clinton , "...she [Hillary Clinton] spoke of changing the national ethos to the golden rule, so Americans 'truly begin to...treat them [each other] as they wish to be seen.'" Actually the Golden Rule is to treat each other as you would want to be treated. Well, that the Clintons did in fact do — particularly Mr. Clinton, and particularly if the other person was female. With his phone sex, he was able to actually treat himself as he would have others treat him. Mrs. Clinton has made up with Newt Gingrich, her husband got himself a world trip with former President Bush on Air Force One, and she has now taken a pro-life position. But until she can do the water to wine trick, we will take a pass on seriously considering her and her baggage as Presidential material.

Jackie Mason "John Edwards:you phony low-life!

Happy Memorial Day John Edwards: you phony low-life! I blast John Edwards for encouraging people to protest the war on Memorial Day.

Take a look at my youtube vlog

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tl1qDKzwryQ

The art of effective communication by words is dying the death of a dog

By Jackie Mason & Raoul Felder

Because we both make a living by words we are very sensitive about them and more importantly, in our respective occupations, with better or worse results, we utilize them as a mechanism to communicate our thoughts. Sadly, from what we observe, the art of effective communication by words is dying the death of a dog.
People throw words around like indescribably: indescribably delicious, indescribably beautiful, etc. If something is indescribable, how does putting the word indescribable before the thing it is supposed to describe in fact describe or even help in describing that thing?
Before we receive e e-mails (excessive e-mails) we know that indescribably is an adverb. However, putting a respectable name on word that does not make sense, makes no sense, no more than putting on a Chanel dress on a streetwalker changes her profession.
Similarly, people also toss around the word fabulous. How was the girl? She was a fabulous girl. The chopped liver? It was fabulous. How can you use the same word to describe a girl and chopped liver — unless it's some of the girls we know?
Then we get words that really mean the exact opposite of what they say. When a girl says the boy she went out with is hot, she really means he is cool. When another girl is asked to describe the guy who just picked her up, the girl might say, "He is really Bad." Usually this is pronounced BAAAD, and of course she means he is real good.
How about, "The rain kept up for an hour"? If it kept up, it never would have come down. When somebody says "kept up," they mean down, unless, of course, they live in Australia, which is down from us, on the other side of the world, so when we are up, they are down. When it rains on them, in that case, we would be correct if we say the "the rain kept up," because their up is our down. However, if you stand on your head in New York, then in that situation up would then still be down. We trust that we clarified this matter.
The last place we expect to hear strings of words that are self-contradictory or that don't make sense is from the United States Supreme Court. But what did we just hear from it? It says it's legal to have the Ten Commandments outside the courthouse, but illegal to have them inside the courthouse. The unworthy thought occurs to us that to get inside the courthouse you have to walk there from outside, so the same person is walking from a legal environment into an illegal environment, and doing nothing more than putting one foot in front of the other. To make things more clear, the Court also said you have to consider each case on its own merits and its own facts, so theoretically, in certain cases, you could have the Ten Commandments outside the courthouse and it would be illegal, and yet inside the courthouse would be legal. Actually in terms of its own building where the Ten Commandments is inside the courthouse, the Supreme Court said that was legal. But if it were illegal outside, and legal inside the courthouse, people would have to walk on the outside where it is illegal to get to the inside where it is legal. And we didn't even discuss the cases where it is illegal both inside and outside, which seems to us to be a great way to get out of jury duty, or showing up to pay a traffic ticket.
In all this talk of language, we are not even mentioning expressions like "Keep your shirt on," when nobody in the house ever thought of taking it off. Or "Keep your eyes peeled," which we find too painful to contemplate.We like simple stuff — spit on the subway and you're fined $50.00. That we understand!

Jackie Mason Radio Show: Sunday, May 27th 2007

This Sunday's Guest Line-Up

7:15pm EST Joe Kovacs
News Editor from World Net Daily
Rush Limbaugh has the power to annoint GOP candidate

7:30pm EST Dr. Gary Tobin
President of the Institute for Jewish and Community Research
Hostility towards Evangelicals and Mormons

8:05pm EST Rep. John LeBoutillier (R) NY
Former US congressman
Current Politics

8:30pm EST Steve Emerson
Terrorism Expert
Author of Jihad Incorporated

For more info on The Jackie Mason Radio Show, or the Talk Radio Network, click here

http://www.talkradionetwork.com/

You can listen online to the Jackie Mason radio show by clicking here.

Talk to Jackie live, on-air between 7:00 pm and 9:00 pm EST at

1 (800) 449-8255

Jackie Mason On Troop Talk Radio

Sunday Morning I will have the honor of talking to Captain Trip Bellard on his Radio Show Troop Talk: Voice of the Troops at 10:30am EST Sunday, May 27th. This is the only show that tells what is happening with the war from the troops perspective. For more info on Troop Talk click here

http://www.trooptalkradio.com/

Al Gore: The gift that keeps giving

When we (Raoul Felder and myself) wrote about Al Gore and in our first book, we intended to leave him behind like a chewed-over pastrami sandwich left on a delicatessen table and move on to other Schmucks in our on-going tour of Schmuckville. But he does not permit us to do so.
We believed Al Gore would be happily retired, adrift in his delusions of inventing the Internet and discovering the Love Canal. We thought, like a punch drunk fighter, he would spent the rest of his days boring people, explaining he wuz robbed by the referee and could've been a champion.
However, leaving his chads behind – and from the look of Gore today, we have an idea of where he stuffed them – he now became the Guru of Global Warming.
Global warming is a highly politicized subject, so inculcated into our collective psyches by the liberal media as a reality that, notwithstanding the fact hundreds of scientists believe it is a merely a cyclical phenomenon that has existed for thousands of years, to even question its existence relegates you to the insanity of a Holocaust denier.
Gore, with no scientific training, assumed the role of the validator and spokesperson for global warming. He even made a movie about it, and in fact won an Academy Award for it.
Suddenly, all of this somehow propelled him into being a potential candidate for president. To prove how serious he was, he started losing weight. We have heard of women who lose weight to get into last summer's bikini, and of old men who also lose weight to stuff themselves into ancient tuxedos, but this is an historic first: joining Weight Watchers to become president.
Now, we are not scientists, but, to us, the winters seem colder not hotter. The carbon dioxide that is supposed to be the villain is actually good, not bad, for trees, which everybody says are good for the planet. In fact, governments all over the world are expending effort and money to preserve the forests and plant new trees. The statistics show that using alternate fuels for automobiles actually costs more (considering government subsidies) and in the long run requires greater overall energy consumption than does gasoline.
Apparently, a great deal of the ozone problem is caused by methane gas, a principal source being the flatulence of cows. It may be more efficient and less costly to buy some Gas-X for the cows than the more sophisticated and costly alternative means suggested.
All of Gore's sputterings might be the proper subject of honest debate, except for one thing. Gore, as we have all now learned, is patently a hypocrite. He lives in a house that in one week, consumes 20 times the yearly energy use of an average home, and he flies around in private planes consuming vast amounts of fossil fuel and spewing enormous quantities of hurtful gasses into the atmosphere. His justification: He purchases carbon credits.
While few in the world can understand exactly what they are, in principle the credits are traded, for a fee, by middlemen, with the extreme offenders of pollution being made to pay money that, in effect, becomes the "credits." These are now placed into an exchange and then sold to other violators – like Gore. All of this does not change the amount of carbon produced one bit, but does produce a profit for the exchange company. Oh yes, did we forget to mention – you guessed it – Gore owns a carbon exchange company.
The proponents of global warming say that in a hundred years, the ocean temperature will rise five degrees and, because of melting icebergs, the Atlantic Ocean will extend into the land an additional nine inches. Just in case, we will definitely sell our Miami Beach condominiums in 90 years. Of course, if Gore will just shut up, the hot air lost may be just enough to save the icebergs.